Louisiana Gosh Darn
I can't believe we're talking about the Ten Commandments in 2024
So this week Louisiana passed a law making it mandatory for every public school in the state to post a copy of the Ten Commandments in their classrooms. All year I've been saying that no matter who the next president is, this country is in trouble. And this is certainly more evidence for that. Technically, I’ve been saying, “No matter who the next president is, this country is fucked!” But that seemed like a rough way to greet you.
This news caused me to do what I always do when states in the South do things that I think are nonsensical, or worse, anti-humanity. I immediately Google where that state ranks in education. I just Googled “Louisiana education rank.”
Guess where it ranks. You’ll never guess, unless you are from Louisiana.
50.
Yup, Louisiana ranks 50 out of 50 states in education. This is according to U. S. News & World Report.
Knowing that, my one question is, will a list of ten things that God told Moses 3,000 years ago be critical in moving Louisiana into that 49th spot? Because if it isn’t at least going to do that then maybe that wall space should be reserved for math problems or phonics lessons or a top ten list of ways the South continues to run the region like a slavery plantation.
In addition to the fact that Louisiana needs a lot more than God’s help when it comes to education, there is also the awkward fact that most of the ten commandments don’t make sense. And they especially don’t make sense in a school. The following is the list of commandments from House Bill 71, the actual bill that passed the law. Some are even saying this list was cribbed from an advertisement from the Charlton Heston movie, The Ten Commandments.
But before we get into this list of laws written before the invention of the printing press, refrigeration, and antibiotics, I just want to say that I really did cut and paste these commandments below from House Bill 71. And for the record, The Ten Commandments are super weird. And I’m saying this as somone who has spent a lot of Sundays in southern Christian churches.
Even saying that there are only ten commandments isn't really accurate. It is pretty hard to see where one commandment ends and a new commandment begins. This could easily be 12 or more commandments. But as George Carlin says having ten, sounds “official”. And also different factions of Judeo-Christian religions break the commandments up in different ways and use different wording. But whatever, let’s break them down and figure out why this whole idea is batshit.
The Ten Commandments
I AM the LORD thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven images.
Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
These first four are just about the author’s God. The big guy from the Bible. (And yes, in the Bible, he is a guy.) These clearly are against the constitution and have no place or even relevance in a school. While Louisiana is overwhelmingly Christian, the percentage is falling. At this point more than 20% of the people aren’t identifying as Christian, either because they are atheists or BECAUSE IT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Oops. I just broke a commandment.
Also, are lots of Louisiana kids making graven images of God? Is it causing that much of a disruption? If so, maybe start by talking to the art teacher.
Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
Ummm… If parents aren’t earning their kid’s respect at home, then that kid has a way bigger problem than their grades at school.
Thou shalt not kill.
Cool. But how does The Ten Commandments feel about wedgies or wet willies or spitballs or pulling a chair out from under somebody when they sit down? In my years of school these were all a way bigger daily issue than kids murdering each other.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
This one seems like it is more a rule for the adults who run the school than the students. Maybe post this one in the teacher’s lounge? If a child is having sex with a married person the “married part” is really the lesser part of the problem.
Thou shalt not steal.
Makes sense. Probably should be way higher on the list though. Also make sure to post this in every Louisiana politician’s office. They often seem to have an issue not stealing.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Don’t lie. Got it. Finally, we are getting into some good advice for kids.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cattle, nor anything that is thy neighbor's."
Annnnnnd we are back in Old Testament Bible land! If you're trying to teach morality and also scare the children, wouldn't a list of the seven deadly sins be easier and more efficient than this anachronistic rigamarole? Although Anachronistic Rigamarole is a great name for my new punk band.
According to these commandments, Louisiana has no problem with women and cattle being in the same category. And you can tell from the wording that this commandment is written for men’s eyes only. Is Louisiana going to cover this up so the female students don’t see it? Seems to me that this one in particular is more of a man-mandment than a co-mmandment? Women and cattle are equal, huh? Way to bring the students into the fifteenth century!
And before you get all, “Well, that is just that silly Louisiana bull-pucky! No need for me to worry,” other states - and not just southern ones - are working on the exact same legislation for their schools. And the passing of this law is certainly encouragement for them. Ironically this whole thing is the result of Trumpism, even though Trump has never seen a commandment he hasn’t broken or disrespected.
Luckily for us, my friends at the ACLU of Louisiana aren’t just going to sit by and let this happen. They are already on the case. Send them some support if you can.
And finally, as always, George Carlin already said it better than anybody else could. Here is his legendary routine about The Ten Commandments.
Tribeca: It Was All a Dream
After all of these years of seeing my name on screen, this one time means so much to me. A “special thanks” from my friend, dream hampton, feels like knighthood. Last week at the Tribeca Film Festival, I saw the premiere of her documentary It Was All A Dream. It’s an all-vérité doc about hip hop from 1993 - 1995. It features never-before-seen footage of Notorious B.I.G., Snoop, Ice T, GURU, Method Man, Nikki D, Poetess, The Lady of Rage, and many, many others!
I saw earlier cuts, but it was such a gift to see the final film in a room with so many legends like Kierna Mayo and Black Thought. People in the audience knew the folks and the stories. Many of them we actually in the film. There were laughs and tears and mmhmmmms.
See it when it comes to a theater or device near YOU!
You’re With Me
Two updates before you go:
June Office Hours: Zoom Edition
Thanks to everyone who joined our May office hours! Doing it over Zoom where we can all see each other and have a true back-and-forth conversation is really fun. Like a true VIP room. I even ran into one the people in real life the next day at a fundraiser for the Oakland Museum of California! June office hours are happening on Thursday June 27th from 4pm - 5pm PDT/7pm - 8pm EDT. All paid subscribers will get an email with the Zoom link a few minutes before we start, and then we’ll all log on and hang out. If you’ve been thinking about becoming a paid subscriber, this might be the time.
The WikiHole with D’Arcy Carden
Guy Branum, Aparna Nancherla, and I got to have a little Totally Biased reunion on D’Arcy Carden’s podcast WikiHole. Listen to it here or wherever you get your podcasts:
Brillliant just brilliant can’t stop laughing
Oh, my gosh! How have I never heard Carlin's take on the commandments before!?! Thanks for posting the video in addition to your own spot-on thoughts. That this has all come to pass because of a man whose moral center seems to be missing is crazy.