Doug McMillion is a real person, I swear.

He makes real money making real people really poor.

Photo Credit: Mert and Marcus/Calvin Klein

I can’t imagine being Michael B. Jordan. On the surface, of course I can’t imagine being him. He seems like he was built in a laboratory to be a 21st century A-list movie star. He’s handsome, but not intimidatingly so. Broadshouldered but not weighed down with muscle…unless he needs to be. He’s one of the few adult men who can somehow pull off having a mustache without looking like a creeper. Also he can act. In fact, he can really, really act. (His performance as Kilmonger in Black Panther is still my favorite thing he’s done.) And MBJ has found his cinematic soulmate in filmmaker Ryan Coogler, who just keeps creating projects that take MBJ’s career to the next level, just when you thought that they were already at the highest level. Currently, MBJ is at the center (2x) of Sinners, a hit film that has Hollywood turned upside down because they don’t know how to be excited about a film that is original, smart, and upsetting their business model. MBJ is also relatably petty, as seen in this clip. This is the kind of “How ya like me now?” moment that we all wish we had with the person from high school who still keeps us up at night.

But when I say I can’t imagine being Michael B. Jordan, it’s for an entirely different reason. I can’t imagine being Michael B. Jordan because his name is Michael Jordan—the same name as the global icon. And the only thing that MBJ did to distinguish himself from MJ is to use his middle initial, the letter “B.” That’s a level of self-confidence I just don’t have. Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just go by his middle name? It’s not like his middle name is too embarrassing to use. His middle name is “Bakari.” Bakari Jordan is a great name. That could easily be the name of a movie star. Bakari is actually such a unique name that he could just go with it as his mononym. Like D’Angelo or Slash. But he chose Michael B. Jordan. I just can’t imagine it.

Michael B. Jordan is so confident that I would guess that he had to be convinced to use his middle initial in the first place. He started acting as a child, so I can easily picture some low-level agent getting frustrated with a young Michael (B.) Jordan and screaming, “YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST USE YOUR MIDDLE INITIAL! I CAN’T MAKE PHONE CALLS AND TELL PEOPLE THAT I REPRESENT MICHAEL JORDAN!... IT’S CONFUSING!... I KNOW THAT’S YOUR NAME, TOO! I DON’T CARE!”

To be fair, Michael B. Jordan was named after his father, Michael A. Jordan. (No, I’m not kidding. I swear that is his dad’s name.) And to be even more fair, MBJ was born in 1987. In 1987 Michael Jordan—the basketball player (I can’t believe I have to make that distinction)—wasn’t really MICHAEL JORDAN yet. He was just a great professional basketball player. It would be like the Lincoln Family naming their newborn baby Abraham in 1856. Sure there was also a young Republican leader named Abraham Lincoln who was running for vice president at that time, but who cares? Oopsies!

But in 1986, I can totally understand MBJ’s father thinking, “I’m just naming my son after me. I sure hope he can live up to carrying my name: Michael Jordan.”

(L-R) Michael B Jordan, his mother Donna Jordan, his father Michael Jordan and his sister Jamila Jordan (Photo by Apu GOMES)

Even Michael Jordan—again, the basketball player—knows that the name “Michael Jordan” is a lot to carry. He didn’t name his own son after himself. Well, not exactly. Basketball-Hall-of-Famer Michael Jordan’s full name is Michael Jeffrey Jordan. He named his oldest son Jeffrey Michael Jordan. He goes by Jeff, because of course he does. He doesn’t want this conversation everyday.

“Yes, I’m Michael Jordan…Yes, I’m his son…Not that well really…I played in college, but I wasn’t really…About 6’2’ in sneakers…Yeah…He is a lot taller than me…Anyway…I’m gonna get going…No, it’s fine. I’ll just have the emergency surgery tomorrow. You seem distracted.”

So to answer Shakespeare’s question, there is a lot in a name. Did you know that there used to be a race car driver named Dick Trickle? True story. I, myself, would have at least gone by Richard. Did you know that the man who invented the Hoveround motorized wheelchair is named Tom Kruse? This is especially funny when you realize Tom Cruise’s birth name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. But wait, there’s more! I work with a very successful Hollywood producer whose name might as well be Barry Obama. (It isn’t that. But I’m changing his name to protect a producer who I hope to work with again.) There's a Bay Area man who is named Kamel Bell. Yup! We know many of the same people. We have met several times. When I moved here in 1997, he was more well known than I was. When I tried to Google him a few minutes ago, Google kept forcing me to Google myself.

“Did you mean ‘W. Kamau Bell?’”

I feel sorry for Kamel Bell.

But you know who I don’t feel sorry for? Doug McMillion.

This is the look of a man who is afraid he will be asked to justify his salary. Doug McMillion, C.E.O. of Walmart. (Photo by Ethan Miller)

Doug McMillion is the C.E.O. of Walmart. Walmart is a company known for a few things: its notoriously low prices, its ability to crush mom and pop stores around the nation, for having both high profits and a high number of employees on SNAP and Medicaid benefits, and for getting out of the diversity, equity, and inclusion game as soon as the white smoke from January 6th cleared. Last week, Mr. McMillion let his stockholders know that, because of tariffs, Walmart was going to have to raise prices soon. And while that makes sense on the surface, it makes less and less sense when you know how much Mr. McMillion was paid by Walmart last year.

Guess real quick.

No. Higher.

Nope. Higher.

Okay…not that high!

In a combination of base pay, stocks, and bonuses, Mr. McMillion took home around 27 million American dollars. That’s 27 million bucks to run Walmart. And he has the audacity to raise prices on my Simply Granola cereal, when he could just say, “Maybe, I should leave prices the same, and I could just tighten my own gold-plated, diamond-encrusted belt, that is filled with that weirdly expensive Dubai pistachio goo.”

Want to hear something really funny? In a 2023 report, it was calculated that Doug McMillion made 976 times more than Walmart’s median employee. The median wage was around $27,000. That’s not even enough money for one childless person to live on in Arkansas, where Walmart was founded. It’s certainly not enough if you are raising the 8.7 children that you have to have in Arkansas just so people don’t think you hate Jesus.

27 million is too much money to pay the C.E.O. of Walmart. I just know it is. I don’t even know what the job entails. I’m guessing that you… force your suppliers to sell you the goods for as low as possible, mark the goods up as much as possible while undercutting any nearby mom-and-pop stores that are left, make record profits, hear the lamentations of the women, keep the record profits for yourself and your shareholders, but definitely don’t raise wages.

Ok, I may have mixed in a bit of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan The Barbarian, but you get the point.

This isn’t about me thinking that people shouldn’t get paid well for what they do. This about how I legitimately don’t believe that C.E.O. is generally one of those jobs. I think that “degree of difficulty” should be a factor in determining your pay. For example, I wouldn’t be shocked if the people who pack and move you from one domicile to another made 27 million dollars. My days of asking my friends to help me move are over (as are my days helping a friend move). So if the people who were going to move me from one place to another said at the last minute that it cost 27 million dollars, I would suck in my breath and reluctantly say, “I’ll see what I can do to get the money.” I would happily, if not reluctantly, take out a usurious loan in order to not have to move my stuff from one place to another. A mover should definitely make more than a C.E.O.

Also, a school teacher should.

C.E.O. of Walmart seems like a job you could run from an employee manual. I’m sure the manager of a Peet’s Coffee could be the C.E.O. of Walmart. And Mr. McMillion isn’t the only overpaid C.E.O. The C.E.O. of McDonald’s, Christopher Kempczinski, made over 19 million dollars in 2023. He made less than McMillions, but still more than 1212 times as much as their median employee. You really can’t justify Chris’ salary when you realize he’s only worked at McDonald’s since 2016. He hasn’t invented or developed anything of significance in his time at Mickey D’s. That’s saying a lot because the last game changer McDonald’s came up with was the Chicken McNugget. And that was in 1981. But at least Chris is doing this with a name that fades away as soon as you hear it. He can be a fairly anonymous mega-capitalist. I have written about him before; and I even forgot his name. But I’ll never forget the name “Doug McMilllion.”

The name “Doug McMillion” is a first draft comic book character name. Even the late comic book empresario Stan Lee, who was known for occasionally scraping the bottom of the creativity barrel, would blanche at such a sorry attempt at a name as Doug McMillion. And Stan once named a character Turner D. Century. (Say it out loud for the full cringe effect.)

Weirdly, Turner D. Century looks like his name could be Doug McMillion.

Doug McMillion is a name that is too on-the-nose for the villain in a Steven Seagal movie.

Doug McMillion sounds like Scrooge McDuck’s archenemy.

Doug McMillion actually sounds like the 1980’s spokesperson for the McDonald’s Monopoly game.

Doug McMillion sounds like one of the fake names Ferris Bueller uses when he is trying to get dinner reservations in Chicago.

Doug McMillion sounds like a WWE wrestler who failed to make it big after he lost to The Rock in the late 90’s.

Doug McMillion is a name made for late-night infomercials. He will teach you how to lose all your money in real estate in just 30 days.

Doug McMillion sounds like a name a bunch of techbros dare their fellow techbro to use at a bar when he tries to pick up chicks.

Doug McMillion sounds like a guy who tries to pay for a Red Bull at a 7-11 with crypto.

Doug McMillion is A.I, version 1.0.

Doug McMillion sounds like what Donald Trump calls his imaginary financial advisor. “Doug” would be “friends” with Trump’s actual imaginary publicist “John Barron”.

Sure this was your doctor, Trump. Sure it was.

Of course, Walmart doesn't want you to focus on Dougie McMillion’s disgusting pay or his ridiculous name. They want you to focus on the part of Mr. McMillion’s story where he started at Walmart as a teenager and worked his way up the ladder to president and C.E.O. They want you to think of Mr. McMillionaire’s story as a classic rags-to-riches tale where he picked himself up by his bootstraps to make it in America. A true self-made man! They don’t want you to focus on the part where Doug is trying to distance himself from all the raggers he left in his old hood. He’s shown us that the best way to distance yourself from those raggers is to raise prices on those motherraggers and tell them to kiss your white tariffs! (Or maybe the tariffs are orange.)

But in 2025, no bad faith deed goes uncommented on by President Trump. In a move that could only be qualified as a circus contortionist level of a pretzel twist, President Trump — – told Doug McMillion to “EAT THE TARIFFS!”

Yes, a broken clock is right twice a day. But there's something else going on here. Donald McRussianBillions is telling Doug McOnlyMillions, "DON'T EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF THE OTHER DICTATORS!"And all I can do is laugh at these buffoons while I continue to shop locally as much as I can.

You know what’s even sadder? Doug’s first name is Carl. Even Carl McMillion is better than Doug McMillion. Hell, C. Douglas McMillion is better.

Doug McMillion sounds like a Chris Farley character from an SNL sketch.

Who’s with me?

Seriously. Come up with your own “Doug McMillion is…” in the comments below. Or share what you are doing to shop more ethically.

Un-Big-Boxing

If you’re in the position to cut back on your use of big box stores like Walmart or Target, here are some resources that some people find helpful:

Yelp: Yelp is surprisingly helpful on this front. I use Yelp all the time, especailly when I travel. You can search for businesses in your area that are Black-owned, LGBTQ-owned, woman-owned, Asian-owned, Latinx-owned, veteran-owned, and eco-friendly. I don’t pay much attention to the reviews. That’s what Yelp can go wrong.

Apps like Everywhere Is Queer, ByBlack, and Blapp help you find Black-owned businesses and LGBTQ-owned (and LGBTQ-friendly) businesses near you.

Buy Nothing Groups: Join a Buy Nothing group in your community. It’s a great way to get to know your neighbors, share things you don’t need, and get things you DO need for free.

Remember not everybody can avoid shopping at corporate stores. These are just some ideas for folks who can scale back.

My “Who’s With Me?” stand-up tour stops in Boston TONITE (Friday) & Connecticut tomorrow.

Friday, May 23 in Boston at The Wilbur

Saturday, May 24 in Ridgefield, CT

May Office Hours with Jeopardy! Executive Producer Michael Davies

Thanks to everyone who came to our April Office Hours with special guest Robin Miner-Swartz! We did that one using Substack’s live video feature, and it went well. So let’s do it again this month.

On Thursday, May 29th from 11am - 12pm PT / 2pm - 3pm ET we’ll be back in office hours. We’ll start by talking with a very special guest — Jeopardy! Executive Producer Michael Davies — and then you and I can talk about the state of the world.

Michael Davies has produced television for over 35 years and writes about his work on Substack at From The Control Room. An eight-time Emmy Award winner, Davies is one of the most prolific and versatile producers in the television industry. He’s been responsible for dozens of hit shows and franchises including “Bill Nye The Science Guy,” “Win Ben Stein’s Money,” “Whose Line Is It Anyway,” “Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen,” “Talking Dead,” “Beyond Stranger Things,” “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,” “Good Morning Football,” “Men in Blazers” and “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

My paid subscribers can participate in the Office Hours live stream on your computer via the Substack website or on your phone via the Substack app. If you don’t already have the app, click here to download it:

You’ll get a notification from Substack once Michael and I go live. When you open the Substack app, look in the upper left hand corner. You’ll see our faces and a little red LIVE rectangle. Click on our faces to join. Once you’re in, you can type questions and comments in the chat. See you then!

My “Who’s With Me?” stand-up tour returns to the Berkeley Rep for a good cause, June 17-22

A couple weeks ago I found out that the Berkeley Rep, where I did all my residencies to get back into stand-up comedy, lost funding from the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) at the direction of the Trump administration. I immediately emailed Johanna Pfaelzer, the Artistic Director of the Berkeley Rep, to see if there was anything I could do. A couple days later, Johanna called me and we put this run of shows together.

June 17th through the 22nd, I’ll be performing my show “Who’s With Me?” at the Berkeley Rep. Proceeds will go to help 13 Bay Area theater arts organizations (including the Berkeley Rep) make up for loss of funding that the Trump organization pulled.